By Adanna Elezua

Dear Rochass Okorocha,

It was with great excitement that I woke up one blessed morning to the amazing news of your creation of Ministry of Happiness and couple fulfillment affairs in Imo state. Wheew!

That nobody ever thought of this in a country of over 180 million people is a shame!

I keep saying that previous governments have repetitively failed us. They have.

But here you are, a blazing light, a dynamic young man determined to change the status quo. Bravo!

Pray, how did previous governments not know that every human being on earth aspires to happiness?

We go to school to be literate and happy. We work to make money and be ultimately happy. Everything we do is a means to an end. That end being happiness.

Such genius!

Ever since you won the election, you’ve done your very best for the happiness of your people.

In your first tenure, you paid salaries. People were unhappy.

You put up a large billboard in Owerri where you shook the U.S President. People were unhappy. They said you waste state funds on trivial matters. In short, they labelled you ‘show’ governor. Such sauce!

You spent millions of naira on Christmas tree and decorations to make your people have a feel of Christmas that year. People were still unhappy.

Second tenure, you re-branded yourself and decided to owe workers. Maybe workers and pensioners do not like being paid on time. Could be that they prefer your government saving their money for them. You started saving their salaries for them and handing them salaries anytime you deem fit after several months of withholding them. Still, they were unhappy. Kai!

You sat down, meditating and racking your brain for the best way to make your beloved Imolites happy. Ahan! A beautiful idea struck. Why not make statues for them? The statues will attract VIPs and subsequently investors to the state. You smiled. That smart kind of smile. You went on a moulding spree spending hundreds of millions of naira. The night before Zuma’s arrival, you couldn’t sleep out of too much excitement. At last, Imolites will be proud of their husband, the great Rochass. Which wife will not be happy when her husband brings a President to their home. That joy of knowing that one’s husband rolls with the high and mighty. Yet, Imolites were unhappy. And nagged you to death after that encounter. Arrggghhhh. Ungrateful wife!

But like every good husband that loves his wife. You went back to the drawing board searching for how you went wrong and how you can better the relationship between you and your beloved bride, the Imolites.

You slept off one night while thinking. And alas, your village god came to your aid, as usual. He planted a phenomenal idea in your head. The vision was very clear.

Amadioha: (Petting your head) My beloved son, what wearies you?

Rochass: My people weary me. You know how I love these people……how I take them as my wife…..how I keep trying to make them hap…..

Amadioha: …..I know my son….you…

Rochass: I heeded your advice about erecting statues. I made several statues. I contracted the best sculptors. The statues are the best worldwide. I gave them my best…(crying)..yet they turn around and make mockery of my effort. They destroyed a statue….and the worst part is the painful memes they make of me….

Amadioha: I understand son. Imolites, your wife….You know women, err, they are hard to please. I’ve never seen a creature as troublesome as they are.

Rochas: Father, take this cup away from me. I no longer feel like a man in my own home. I fe…

Amadioha: (Smiling) I have a foolproof formula for you. This one will make your wife happy once again. All a woman wants is to be happy.

Rochass: But, I’ve been trying to make….

Amadioha: (In an echoing voice) You will set up a Ministry of Happiness and Couple fulfillment affairs. The commissioner in charge must be your bloooooood. That is the only way this will work. Only your blood will can make that ministry work. Blood is covenant!

Rochass: But people will talk. My wife will nag me. Why should my sister handle a position in my home?

Amadioha: She will nag but husband is king. You are king. Your word is law!

Rochass: (Gaining morale) Why couple fulfilment?

Amadioha: I and my fellow gods had a meeting last night about the ills that have befallen you. We want you to be fulfilled in your marriage to your stubborn wife.

Again, we saw plenty hotels in the land; plenty fornications and adultery all over the land. Your people have polluted the land.

Only happy couplings and marriages can heal the land

Gooooo! Gooo and execute this message!

And bam, like the good son that you are, you did exactly what your village god told you.

Over the years, I have always coveted and wanted Imo state governors for my state. I considered them high performing as against my not-so-performing state governors.

But you dear Rochass, your high performance has truly exceeded everyone’s expectations.

I do not want you as my state governor. You are too good. My state will crush under the pressure of your good works and deeds.

Continue your rescue mission with Imolites. Keep rescuing them from their unhappiness!

It’s so unfortunate that your second tenure is coming to an end. We would miss your many theatrics.

I hope you run for the position of a Senator.

The world is yet to see more of your rescuing.

Jisike n’oru!

Adanna Elezua is a Veterinary Doctor who loves writing. Although her profession gives her the liberty to take care of pets, she prefers giving her pets special names regardless of the breed. She’s a big fan of the Lebanese Sharwama and she still questions why the egg in the NIgerian eggroll has reduced drastically.